Jokes & Humour

MDLR · Post by **MDLR** » Mon Jan 13, 2014 11:03 pm

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back five minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now.”

laurence703 · Post by **laurence703** » Tue Jan 14, 2014 5:44 pm

Can't remember if this has been on here before but its a good one anyways...

For all you women out there here is a stereotypical look into the mind of a man...

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday + GOOD WEATHER = Sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1.. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as CARS OR BOOBS

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping

Was sent this and lol'd

Dannypenguin · Post by **Dannypenguin** » Thu Jan 16, 2014 4:30 pm

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me. He grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" He says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry, I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life, and I am a complete failure" I say. I was late for a meeting so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, I forgot my wallet in the cab I took home, found my wife in bed with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I bought a drink, dropped a capsule in it, and sat here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole 'blinking!' thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

MDLR · Post by **MDLR** » Thu Jan 16, 2014 7:38 pm

Police have arrested a woman for stealing a sign reading "& Emergency". She says she found it by accident..................

Woodfields Light Railway · Post by **Woodfields Light Railway** » Thu Jan 16, 2014 7:44 pm

GROAN!!!

Dannypenguin · Post by **Dannypenguin** » Thu Jan 16, 2014 8:36 pm

MDLR:95583 wrote:Police have arrested a woman for stealing a sign reading "& Emergency". She says she found it by accident..................

I've got you your coat Brian!

MDLR · Post by **MDLR** » Tue Jan 21, 2014 3:59 pm

TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!)

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher

Dannypenguin · Post by **Dannypenguin** » Wed Jan 22, 2014 9:04 pm

Hehe!

Dannypenguin · Post by **Dannypenguin** » Fri Jan 24, 2014 3:35 pm

Nothing against blondes but...

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; A brunet, a red head and a blonde.

For the final test, the FBI agents took the brunet to a large metal door and handed her a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the
Circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair .... Kill him!!'

The brunet said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my husband.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right person for this job. Take your husband and go home.'

The redhead was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

She came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my husband.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.'

Finally, it was the blondes turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the blonde, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.
'So I had to beat him to death with the chair'

Dannypenguin · Post by **Dannypenguin** » Fri Jan 24, 2014 6:18 pm

Found this dredging back in my emails today.

Aircraft hits four buildings at air show.

Amazing photo below shows great detail. The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings. One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

No one was killed but, probably scared the sh*t out of them.

Hehe

Dannypenguin · Post by **Dannypenguin** » Sat Jan 25, 2014 7:36 pm

Love these: http://prosign.tumblr.com/post/33766157 ... -signs-and

lukejpetch · Post by **lukejpetch** » Sat Jan 25, 2014 8:29 pm

Loved the underground signs! haha!

Dannypenguin · Post by **Dannypenguin** » Tue Jan 28, 2014 11:39 am

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 round magazine, and yelled, "Who in here has been sleeping with my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You Gonna need more ammo''

MDLR · Post by **MDLR** » Tue Jan 28, 2014 4:34 pm

A man is alone in an airport lounge, when a beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, that she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby hoping to impress her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world.'

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations.'

The woman looks at him sternly and says:

'What the oh dear do you want?'

'Ah ha!' he says,

"Ryanair."

Big Jim · Post by **Big Jim** » Tue Jan 28, 2014 9:54 pm

Another blonde joke.
A blonde walks into Dixons and asks to buy a television she has seen in the window.
The salesman says "Sorry we don't serve blondes here, clear off"
The blonde goes home and dyes her hair black and returns to Dixons.
"I want to buy that telly you have in the window"
The salesman replies. "We don't serve blondes here"
The girl points out that she is not a blonde, she has black hair.
The salesman answers "You are a blonde, that telly is a microwave"

Dannypenguin · Post by **Dannypenguin** » Wed Jan 29, 2014 1:37 pm

I don't think it's been posted before so here goes,

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

Dannypenguin · Post by **Dannypenguin** » Wed Jan 29, 2014 1:38 pm

Post by **philipy** » Wed Jan 29, 2014 2:55 pm

Two blondes driving down the road, suddenly the one driving screeches to halt, "Look at that!" she splutters, pointing out of the window at another blonde sitting in a boat in the middle of a ploughed field, rowing furiously but getting nowhere.
"It's women like that that give us a blondes a bad name", she said. "I know" says the other one, "I'd go out there and tell her off, only I can't swim".

Dannypenguin · Post by **Dannypenguin** » Wed Jan 29, 2014 6:05 pm

Below is a list of ways to win an argument with a women:-

Big Jim · Post by **Big Jim** » Thu Jan 30, 2014 2:49 am

You will never win an argument with anything that bleeds for 7 days out of the month and doesn't die!!!!!

(Possibly a bit too rude but what the heck, its 3am Welsh time and the current wife is keeping the county awake with her prize winning snoring)

Garden Railway Forum

Jokes & Humour

Who is online