Jokes & Humour

[Dannypenguin]

Time to dredge this thread up from the depths;

So if you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you, what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four MPs in the behind.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered. And, as an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? It's the same government that just told you that they cannot afford for you to go into a nursing home. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?

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No offence intended with this one:

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You ok?" she says.
"Yes." he replies.
"You can go and play with the other kids if you want.", she says.
"It's best I stay here." he says.
"Why?" asks the blonde.
The boy replies:

"Because I'm the goal keeper"

[laurence703]

One from today.

With the possibility of war in Syria, there is one positive outcome...
A new Call of Duty game...

[MDLR]

Did you hear the one about the comedian who got a gig at a fire station?

He got there and found it was a false alarm...................

[WVLR]

G-R-O-A-N

[Catweasel]

Mum sends son to greengrocers for some spuds. Son tells greengrocer they must have plenty of eyes as they've got to see out the week.

[Big Jim]

Bit of an old one.
How can you tell when an MP is lying?
Their lips are moving.

[andymctractor]

What is the similarity between a Pakistani that has been run over by a bus and a lobster?

They are both crushed asians (crustaceans)

[MDLR]

Q) Why can't Pakistanis play football?

A) Every time they get a corner, they open a shop on it........................

[Big Al]

Boom Boom the old one's strike again.

[Big Jim]

Two parrots sitting on a perch.
One says to the other
"Can you smell fish?"

Two Goldfish in tank.
One says to the other
"You man the gun and I'll drive."


I'm really, really sorry.

[MDLR]

I'm really, really sorry.

............ and so you SHOULD be!

[Big Jim]

I am very sorry but my last pair of crap jokes seem to have killed this thread.

So here goes a slightly better one.

Q What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with The Titanic?
A Halfway

Or perhaps not.

[MDLR]

(chuckle)!!

[Dannypenguin]

Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up & carries her around the house. The wife's so surprised & asks smiling, "Did the Pastor preach about being romantic"? Out of breath the husband replies, "No, he said we must carry our burdens..."

[Big Jim]

Mate of mine has a dog with no legs. He calls it ciggarette, because he is always taking it out for a drag.

[MDLR]

Seeing as how we're now scraping somewhere below the bottom of the barrel................

"I say, I say, I say! My dog's got no nose!"

"How does he smell?"

"Awful!"

"I say, I say, I say! I've got a police dog in my dustbin"

"How did you know it's a police dog?"

"It's got a policeman with him......................"

[Dannypenguin]

Hehe!

Two small boys, were talking one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

Prior to the mass he asked the monsignor what to do about his nerves.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1)Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7)The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8)David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **censorded** out of him.

9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.


12)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God

[Narrow Minded]

One Hydrogen atom tells his mate that he's lost an electron.
His mate says "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive" he replied.

(Sorry, I'm just reading a book about Helium and I can't put it down!)

[METHSSNIFFER]

He should look on the positive side of life could have been a proton if he had been in charge

[Big Jim]

After a recent crackdown on substance abuse here in carmarthen the local plod have stated that any one caught drinking battery acid will be charged. However anyone caught eating fireworks will be let off.