And for Boxing Day...
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Wenceslas in the 21st Century
'Ah, Wenceslas! Please take a seat. Really appreciate you being able to attend this review of last week’s, er… episode. I hope we won’t take up too much of your time, Christmas is a busy season for us all, but for saints, it must be a bit frantic. Especially with all this deep snow making travel difficult.’
‘How can I help you?’
‘It’s about an initiative you took on the feast of Stephen. Here at the Department of Rural Assistance, we were disturbed to find that you had taken matters into your own hands on the issue of a citizen of limited means…’
‘You mean the peasant who lives a good league hence?’
‘We’ll try to avoid using terms that might identify the person directly, but yes, we believe he lives in the locality of what used to be known as the Forest Fence but is now a concrete wall with barbed wire to keep out refugees.’
‘I know the man you mean…’
‘Stop. Please refrain from gender-specific terms that might not be relevant. Also, terms like ‘peasant’ are not only archaic, but can be deemed insulting. Please refer to him as a provincial agricultural operative.’
‘Okay, so what about this provincial agricultural whatever it was?’
‘Operative. Well, we believe you unilaterally made provision for him, her or them of … flesh, wine and pine logs, which you bore, or should I say your facilitator bore for you to their place of residence.’
‘Yes, what of it?’
‘You are not aware of the procedures for ex-gratia donations to people deemed in need of winter support?’
‘You mean the winter fuel payments? I thought they’d been frozen. I observed this peasant…’
‘Provincial Agricultural Operative!’
‘I observed him, her, them or it…’
‘Please don’t be facetious, Wenceslas. This is a serious enquiry.’
‘He… them, came in sight gathering winter fuel. Knowing the foul-up with winter supplements I made it my business to dip into my own resources and lend them a hand.’
‘May I remind you that palace resources are on hand to assist with cases of real hardship?’
‘Well, I believe he… this was.’
‘I see, and had this individual filled in an online form requesting flesh, wine and pine logs? And for that matter, did you take time to check on their heating system? The dwelling could have utilised solar panels, or ground heat systems, or even gas fired central heating. Did you know for sure that pine logs were appropriate? Also, supplying alcohol to regions like the Forest Fence could be encouraging addiction. Did this cross your mind? And as for flesh – well, have you not heard of veganism?’
‘My Page and I watched them heat their dwelling, which by the way was a wattle and daub single room hut, drink the wine and eat the flesh. They were warmly received.’
‘That’s what you think! In a recent survey, fifty-four percent of individuals on income support in the Forest Fence region expressed irritation at the way well-meaning socially advantaged people were bombarding them with ill-considered gifts then remaining to watch them being consumed, hoping, no doubt, for fulsome expressions of gratitude.’
‘Well, I did it for no better reason than I saw a case of need.’
‘For which our department and many like it have adequate systems in place to meet that need when it is properly assessed, means-tested and quantified. Actions like yours and your facilitator cause no end of difficulties.’
‘For example?’
‘There are over two dozen similar families in the Saint Agnes Fountain locality who are deemed to be in need of short-term winter supplements. Your spontaneous liberality caused resentment amongst those who did not get any extra. It also unbalanced the regional economy. Are you aware that the price of pine logs has plummeted in the nearby markets? Anyway, enough of that, we have also to consider the grievance raised by your facilitator.’
‘You mean my Page?’
‘Your facilitator. He has filed a complaint about your coercive behaviour connected with this incident. Let me quote; ‘I felt the conditions were unsuited to any travel, let alone a good league hence on foot. The rude winds were lamenting, my blood was freezing coldly. Yet I was obliged to bear provisions for the journey, whilst being lectured about the need to tread boldly and think about the blessing I was bestowing on the poor.’ Does this coincide with your recollection?’
‘Whinging snowflake…’
‘Wenceslas, I must remind you of the need to refrain from subjective judgemental utterances like this. It is not at all helpful. Your facilitator expressed concerns about this foray, concerns which I am led to believe you took no notice of.’
‘I did listen to him and offered him guidance!’
‘I see. What protective gear did you supply him? Thermal underwear? Hi-viz jacket? Did you check the weather conditions before setting out? You could have both perished in the storm. What advice did you offer your assistant? Let me see what he wrote… you told him to ‘step in your footsteps to the end that he would gain a thermal advantage from where you had trodden.’ Hmmm, Wenceslas, this is bordering on delusional.’
‘I see.’
‘Is that all you have to say?’
‘No, I get the message. Next time I look out on the Feast of Stephen and the snow is lying round about, under the bright moonlight deep and crip and even; if a socially disadvantaged individual comes in sight gathering winter fuel…’
‘Yes…?’
‘I’ll kick him all the way back to St Agnes’ Fountain. That way we’ll both be warm. Then I’ll go home, eat my flesh, drink my wine in front of a roaring pine log fire.’
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