Jokes & Humour
- Dannypenguin
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Jokes & Humour
Have seen this be very successful on other forums. Post your jokes here!
(note - please no rude or sick jokes please)
First one, although it isn't the best:
A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty toothpaste boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.
Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed.
JUST AHEAD of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang.."
(note - please no rude or sick jokes please)
First one, although it isn't the best:
A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty toothpaste boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.
Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed.
JUST AHEAD of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang.."
Last edited by Dannypenguin on Sat Nov 09, 2013 6:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Dan
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- MDLR
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OK then...................
You asked for it............................
There was once a sea food restaurant which had a large fish tank in the middle of it. The idea was that you would pick your own fish, which would then br caught, cooked and served to you at your table.
There was a good selection in the tank, including, hiding in one corner, a green squid with a hairy lip, which quivered. This squid had been in there a few months and had become a pet of the staff, who used to feed it tasty tidbits on the side as they passed the fish tank.
Anyway, one night the inevitable happened, and a customer requested the squid. "But Sir" protested the head waiter "he's been in there AGES and has probably got tough" (because he'd fed the squid on occasions). The customer was adamant, so after a long struggle, with water splashing all over the floor, the squid was finally extracted and taken to the kitchen.
The head waiter said to the chef "Here, Gervaise. Kill this and cook it." The chef looked at the squid, and the squid looked back at him, with his hairy lip quivering, until the chef turned away, because he just couldn't bring himself to do the deed, because he'd been feeding it too.
"I know" he thought "I'll get Hans the pot washer to do it - he's only got about 5 brain cells (and not all of them are working)".
So he called Hans over, who looked at the squid, with his hairy lip quivering, and ran out of the kitchen blubbering, because he'd been the squid's biggest fan.
All of which goes to show.........................
That Hans that do dishes are soft as Gervaise, with mild green hairy lip squid!
Boom Boom!
You asked for it............................
There was once a sea food restaurant which had a large fish tank in the middle of it. The idea was that you would pick your own fish, which would then br caught, cooked and served to you at your table.
There was a good selection in the tank, including, hiding in one corner, a green squid with a hairy lip, which quivered. This squid had been in there a few months and had become a pet of the staff, who used to feed it tasty tidbits on the side as they passed the fish tank.
Anyway, one night the inevitable happened, and a customer requested the squid. "But Sir" protested the head waiter "he's been in there AGES and has probably got tough" (because he'd fed the squid on occasions). The customer was adamant, so after a long struggle, with water splashing all over the floor, the squid was finally extracted and taken to the kitchen.
The head waiter said to the chef "Here, Gervaise. Kill this and cook it." The chef looked at the squid, and the squid looked back at him, with his hairy lip quivering, until the chef turned away, because he just couldn't bring himself to do the deed, because he'd been feeding it too.
"I know" he thought "I'll get Hans the pot washer to do it - he's only got about 5 brain cells (and not all of them are working)".
So he called Hans over, who looked at the squid, with his hairy lip quivering, and ran out of the kitchen blubbering, because he'd been the squid's biggest fan.
All of which goes to show.........................
That Hans that do dishes are soft as Gervaise, with mild green hairy lip squid!
Boom Boom!
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- Dannypenguin
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Hahaha!Narrow Minded:83064 wrote:
Dan
Visit the PFLR website - http://poultonfarmlightrailway.webs.com/
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Visit the PFLR website - http://poultonfarmlightrailway.webs.com/
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- Dannypenguin
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Dan
Visit the PFLR website - http://poultonfarmlightrailway.webs.com/
Dean Forest Railway Society website - http://dfrsociety.org/
Visit the PFLR website - http://poultonfarmlightrailway.webs.com/
Dean Forest Railway Society website - http://dfrsociety.org/
- SherpaPhil
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Although that's quite an old joke Brian, it's not the oldestMDLR:83193 wrote:(Q) Why is it good to take a mushroom to a party?
(A) Because he's a fun guy to be with!
(Apparently the oldest joke in the world was found in an Egyptian tomb, written in hieroglyphs, which when translated read - "Does your mummy know you're out?" )
- Dannypenguin
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SherpaPhil:83190 wrote:Heard on a #### train last year
Thank you for travelling with us today, please mind the gap between the timetable & reality ;)
Dan
Visit the PFLR website - http://poultonfarmlightrailway.webs.com/
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- DolwyddelanLightRail
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Not exactly a joke but still amusing. I was once on a Cross Country Voyager which should have been a HST, however the booked HST had failed down in the West Country somewhere, so a spare set from Edinburgh was sent south to meet with the Voyager at Leeds (or somewhere like that, can't remember exact location). The guard announced over the PA that everyone would be transfering over to a High Speed Train at the next station so to prepare everyone for changing trains. After he did so I heard a woman on the phone slightly further down the carriage say "I will be arriving home earlier, I'm being moved onto a High Speed Train at the next station"SherpaPhil:83190 wrote:Heard on a #### train last year
Thank you for travelling with us today, please mind the gap between the timetable & reality ;)
- Dannypenguin
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How about this:
A pilot was flying a small single engine plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Heathrow airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he was running pretty low on fuel and the passengers were getting very nervous.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and he saw a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banked the plane around, rolled down the window and shouted "Hey, where am I?"
To this, the solitary office worker replied "You're in a plane."
The pilot rolled up his window, executed a 272 degree turn and proceeded to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stopped, the engine ran out of fuel.
The passengers are amazed and asked how he did it.
"Simple" replied the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore I KNEW that was the BT support office. From there I knew where the airport was located."
A pilot was flying a small single engine plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Heathrow airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he was running pretty low on fuel and the passengers were getting very nervous.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and he saw a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banked the plane around, rolled down the window and shouted "Hey, where am I?"
To this, the solitary office worker replied "You're in a plane."
The pilot rolled up his window, executed a 272 degree turn and proceeded to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stopped, the engine ran out of fuel.
The passengers are amazed and asked how he did it.
"Simple" replied the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore I KNEW that was the BT support office. From there I knew where the airport was located."
Dan
Visit the PFLR website - http://poultonfarmlightrailway.webs.com/
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- vjoneslong5040
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Not exactly a joke but I used to volunteer on the Lavender Line in Sussex. One cold April Saturday three of us were riding in a GW toad brake van, training to be guards. The train consisted of a J94, a DMU central coach, and the brake van. Since we were cold we decided to try and light the stove, and it was being very reluctant. This lady with a buggy looked at me fiddling with the stove and said:
"By the way, thats not whats making us go?"
Rather gob smacked that she hadn't noticed the big black snorting engine making lots of noises at the front, I calmly replied:
"Yes, but don't worry, we have a back up battery pack which should get us home".
"Well thats okay then!"
"By the way, thats not whats making us go?"
Rather gob smacked that she hadn't noticed the big black snorting engine making lots of noises at the front, I calmly replied:
"Yes, but don't worry, we have a back up battery pack which should get us home".
"Well thats okay then!"
- Dannypenguin
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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who
was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who
was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
Dan
Visit the PFLR website - http://poultonfarmlightrailway.webs.com/
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- Dannypenguin
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And you think my jokes are bad!!MDLR:83193 wrote:(Q) Why is it good to take a mushroom to a party?
(A) Because he's a fun guy to be with!
Dan
Visit the PFLR website - http://poultonfarmlightrailway.webs.com/
Dean Forest Railway Society website - http://dfrsociety.org/
Visit the PFLR website - http://poultonfarmlightrailway.webs.com/
Dean Forest Railway Society website - http://dfrsociety.org/
- Dannypenguin
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A few Apple jokes:
-------------------------------
If Apple made pencils, they would be simple, white, rounded, packaged one per box, cost $1900, and require an internet connection.
And the funniest thing is is that everyone would want one. :roll:
-------------------------------
Guy 1: Hey, how much did you pay for that mac?
Guy 2: $1500
Guy 1: So it must have a nVidia 8800 and like 4GB of RAM right?
GUy 2: No, onboard graphics and 1GB of RAM
Guy 1: So why was it so much?
Guy 2: The keyboard is nice
-------------------------------
If Apple made pencils, they would be simple, white, rounded, packaged one per box, cost $1900, and require an internet connection.
And the funniest thing is is that everyone would want one. :roll:
-------------------------------
Guy 1: Hey, how much did you pay for that mac?
Guy 2: $1500
Guy 1: So it must have a nVidia 8800 and like 4GB of RAM right?
GUy 2: No, onboard graphics and 1GB of RAM
Guy 1: So why was it so much?
Guy 2: The keyboard is nice
Dan
Visit the PFLR website - http://poultonfarmlightrailway.webs.com/
Dean Forest Railway Society website - http://dfrsociety.org/
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Dean Forest Railway Society website - http://dfrsociety.org/
- Dannypenguin
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And this:
Morris and his wife Esther went to the local air show every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50. And £50 is £50." One year when Esther and Morris went to the air show, Morris said "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get a chance." Esther replied, "Morris, you know that helicopter ride is £50. And £50 is £50." The Pilot overheard the couple and said, "I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, It's £50." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know £50 is £50!"
Morris and his wife Esther went to the local air show every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50. And £50 is £50." One year when Esther and Morris went to the air show, Morris said "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get a chance." Esther replied, "Morris, you know that helicopter ride is £50. And £50 is £50." The Pilot overheard the couple and said, "I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, It's £50." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know £50 is £50!"
Dan
Visit the PFLR website - http://poultonfarmlightrailway.webs.com/
Dean Forest Railway Society website - http://dfrsociety.org/
Visit the PFLR website - http://poultonfarmlightrailway.webs.com/
Dean Forest Railway Society website - http://dfrsociety.org/
- Lner fan Sam
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Here's one - back in February Sky sent out an Email saying that they were migrating to Yahoo and that existing Email account holders must accept the new terms & conditions or lose their accounts.
So I accepted the new terms & conditions.
Last week I got another Email from Sky warning me that if i didn't accept the new terms & conditions by the 29th of this month, then I would lose my Email account.
Once again, I accepted the Terms & conditions.
Yesterday (the 29th) my Email stopped working.
Today I wasted several hours of my life trying to get the old Email address back (since all of our business cards / literature carry that address), Emailing "Live Chat"ting and even speaking to a "Support" person on the telephone (have you tried that?!).
Alas, even after pointing out the failings of Sky's "Click here and we'll do the rest" promise, I have lost my old Email account.
No joke?
Well, someone at Sky probably thinks it's very bloody funny!
So I accepted the new terms & conditions.
Last week I got another Email from Sky warning me that if i didn't accept the new terms & conditions by the 29th of this month, then I would lose my Email account.
Once again, I accepted the Terms & conditions.
Yesterday (the 29th) my Email stopped working.
Today I wasted several hours of my life trying to get the old Email address back (since all of our business cards / literature carry that address), Emailing "Live Chat"ting and even speaking to a "Support" person on the telephone (have you tried that?!).
Alas, even after pointing out the failings of Sky's "Click here and we'll do the rest" promise, I have lost my old Email account.
No joke?
Well, someone at Sky probably thinks it's very bloody funny!
- Dannypenguin
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In kind of the same way my Dad almost had his business paypal account locked and closed. For some random reason, he was asked to add some more security info, info about himself - basically anything they wanted they would get because they said that if he didn't give it, they would lock and then close the account. He gave everything, and they still locked it! :evil: After about 20 emails to paypal (he wasn't ringing them, it costs a fortune!) they finally lifted the barrier...
Dan
Visit the PFLR website - http://poultonfarmlightrailway.webs.com/
Dean Forest Railway Society website - http://dfrsociety.org/
Visit the PFLR website - http://poultonfarmlightrailway.webs.com/
Dean Forest Railway Society website - http://dfrsociety.org/
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