Jokes & Humour

[Dannypenguin]

This one was sent to me (a true blood Forester) via email, from a SCOUSER!!


5,000 Foresters meet at Cinderford Rugby ground for a ' Foresters Are Not Stupid' convention.

Jimmy Young CBE [born in Cinderford] addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Foresters are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

Old Jim, the winner of the Brain of the Forest quiz competition gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Jimmy Young asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'

After 15 or 20 seconds Old Jim says, ' Forty!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Foresters start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Jimmy Young says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'

So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'

Jimmy Young looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.

But then the 5,000 Foresters begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Jimmy Young, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'

Silence hangs over the stadium.

Old Jim closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Foresters crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,

'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

[MDLR]

How did Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
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.................... with jam in........................................

[Dannypenguin]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour`s male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
 
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
 
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.  
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his concentration and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.

[Dannypenguin]

This one was sent via email, please do not think this is me describing this.

-------------------------------------------------

If you are a Senior
you will understand this one.
If you deal with Seniors,
this should help you understand them
a little better,
And if you are not a Senior yet........
God willing, someday you will be.

   The £2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant
where the 'Seniors Special' was
two eggs, bacon, hash browns
and toast for £2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said,
'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you £3.49
because you're ordering a la carte,'
the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for
not taking the eggs?'
my wife asked incredulously.

'Yes!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?'
the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home
and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
We've been around
the block more than once!

[Dannypenguin]

Absolutley love this:

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear

And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the dam thing off.

[Dannypenguin]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Help Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'


Yours faithfully,

Manager.

[Big Jim]

A Rabbit and a Hedgehog are having a chat at the side of a main road.
The Hedgehog says to the Rabbit.
"Why do your lot never seem to get squashed by cars, what is your secret?"
Rabbit replies.
"Its simple really. You wait until you can see the headlamps on the car and you line yourself up between them. When the car gets close you duck down and the car passes over your head."
The Hedgehog thinks this is brilliant and decides to try it out. He sees a car coming, lines himself up and ducks down and....SPLAT!!!!!
The Rabbit scratches his head thoughtfully and says to himself.
"Wow, you don't see many Reliant Robins about these days."

[MDLR]

THE ULTIMATE ETHNIC JOKE

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Brazilian, a Latvian, a Chinese, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, an Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Jew, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans

... Walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai"

[Dannypenguin]

No offence intended:

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on me way den'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He falls flat on his face. 'Whoops' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Whoops, Whoopsy !' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus.... I'm a little bit drunk,' he says..

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No way Jose'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Oh silly me' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was a little drunk. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub again.'

[Dannypenguin]

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."

[Dannypenguin]

A Good Chess Player
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

[Dannypenguin]

Love this:

http://www.viralnova.com/failed-at-jobs ... SRVKwFz.99

[Dannypenguin]

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said:


...



“Ma’am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”

[Big Jim]

Chap driving down the road gets pulled over by the police.
The copper leans in through the drivers window and says.
"Excuse me sir, but do you know that your wife fell out of your vehicle 10 miles back?"
Chap replies.
"Thank God for that, I thought I had gone deaf!"

[Dannypenguin]

[Dannypenguin]

TWO COWS

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

[MDLR]

Q: Why did the baker have brown hands?


A: He kneaded a poo..................................

[Lner fan Sam]

When's a door not a door?

When it's a-jar...

[Dannypenguin]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP's during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly four litres."

[Big Jim]

How can you tell when an MP is lying?

You can see their lips move.